Who among we aunties does not recall exactly where we were and who we were with December 2, 1983?  

Thriller- The Video!

Maybe an odd question if you weren’t even born yet but for many of us who were teenagers at the time, we remember being terra firma in front of our televisions madly awaiting The Thriller video debut on MTV.   This one savvy auntie remembers exactly where she was (in South Philly in my boyfriend’s basement with the cozy glow of the city’s Christmas lights bathing the otherwise dark cellar).  It’s a shame I didn’t feel nearly as passionate about him as I did for Michael Jackson but that’s a whole ‘nother story!

Being the expert here on love and loss, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the loss of Michael Jackson.  His death holds so much promise for us aunties as a teachable moment.

The Promise of Michael

This past week I was lucky to have my one of my 10 year old nieces, all to myself for a beach sleepover!  While we were hanging out one evening, the “highlights” of Michael Jackson’s funeral were unavoidable as she flipped around for something to fall asleep to.  Ah ha!  All this inescapable hoopla held the ripe promise of a teachable moment, I said to myself! Michael, I imagine, would appreciate that.    So, in all my wisdom, I turned to her and said “Honey, what do you think of all of this?” feeling good about capturing a teachable moment.  Never mind-she was fast asleep.

Relocation of Teachable Moment

My years at hospice as the coordinator of the children’s grief and loss program gave me the distinct privilege of working with families and children whose loved ones were dying.  My job, among other things was to help the families educate the children about death and support them in their bereavement process.  In doing so, I would always address “the three biggies.”  In light of MJ’s passing, I thought it an idea to address those here.  

The Three Biggies

No matter what age, children typically struggle with three main worries when someone dies.
 
1. The belief that the death was their fault-otherwise referred to as magical thinking-the irrational belief that the death of a loved one was the direct result of something they did or said.
2. It’s contagious (whatever it is…cancer, heart attack, stroke, etc.).
3. Who's going to take care of me if both parents/or guardians die?

While this might be an obvious statement, it is best to match answers/explanations to the child’s stage of development.  In my next few columns I’ll be sharing ideas on how to best address these “three biggies” for various age groups.    

This week, let’s take magical thinking.  

It’s All My Fault! - This happens quite often in particular with teenagers.  

Ever heard a teenager in a fit of anger say to a parent/guardian something along the lines of, “I HATE YOU, I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!”   God forbid, the parent dies; guess who feels it’s their fault?  

Lord knows, most of us like to believe that we are all powerful; in an effort to dispel this myth as it relates to death, I challenge children and ask, “Has there ever been a time when you wished you had a million dollars? School would close forever, etc.?  After they respond yes, I follow-up with, “Did it work?”  I’ve never had a child say, “It sure did!”  “So maybe you don’t have quite that much power?” I’d reply, emphasis on the question.  

In my work, I would revisit this worry over the course of our time working together, but undoubtedly this was a great start at helping to alleviate any irrational guilt harbored.  Oh, I also would be sure to tell them having that thought, while irrational and having no merit, is normal.  For the most part, everyone likes to hear they are “normal.” It can be very reassuring!

Thank you, Michael.

Death and dying are hard topics even for adults but heading off this mysterious topic can alleviate unnecessary worry. 

Thank you, Michael.

Hugs and kisses ‘til next time!