A few weeks ago, I caught Lori Gottlieb, the author of "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" on a TV show. She was part of a panelist of experts discussing relationships. Her ideas generated a lively discussion on the show and also in print, when a piece based on her book sparked so much feedback in The Atlantic Monthly it became the fourth highest commented on article in the history of the magazine.

Some of the ideas she bats around in the book are provocative, but the title got me thinking. When is it okay to “settle” in regard to choosing a partner, if ever?

Now, discussions about dating, love and marriage monopolize my late-night sleepovers with my nieces.

Set High Standards
As a happily married woman (for almost twenty years) and a mental health therapist, I do my best to share the secrets with them on what make a relationship work, and what things are detrimental. My nieces accuse me of repeating myself but some things deserve repeating. Not intimidated by the excessive eye-rolling or heavy sighs sure to follow, I shout,“Set high standards that are non-negotiable.”

On those nights our conversations go into the wee hours of the morning, I hear my father’s words spill out of my mouth.

When I was about nine years old, one evening as my parents were getting ready to head out for the night, my Dad, Mom and our babysitter got to talking about her new boyfriend. As a little girl, I found this conversation fascinating. I was at the age when I thought my Dad knew everything and I remember him saying to her, “Sloan, if you go out with a boy and he does drugs, don’t go out with him anymore. That’s the end. Right there. Better to fall in love with a boy who makes smart decisions.”

As I mulled over this idea of “settling,” I found myself considering what is the one thing on which I would advise my nieces and nephews to never compromise. In my practice, I see couples with a variety of challenges but often I can boil things down to a common theme--a difference in value systems.

Value Systems
A value system, plainly, is a moral code. It is the answer to the questions: What kinds of things do you hold dear? What are those things you use as a measure or barometer as the guiding forces in your life?

For some people that is religion. Their faith practice is something they place at the top of their personal moral pecking order along with the idea of having a partner with whom they can share it. For others, their value system might not include organized religious practices at all. For some, a mindset of living on the edge, without roots, is something of value, for others having a predictable routine that includes family and children is of more importance.

Children, Money and The Future
I encourage my nieces and nephews to openly discuss their ideas of love and marriage with people they date. It might come as a surprise but in my practice I often see couples who have never discussed having children, their visions for their future or how to manage money.

When people have divergent value systems it can post a real challenge to the health of a relationship.

So, when Lori Gottlieb suggests a case for “settling for Mr. Good Enough” she makes some valid points. Height, eye color or profession might be worth reconsideration. Sometimes the partner we envision turns out to be shorter, fairer and has a “good personality” as compared being the proverbial tall, dark and handsome--but core beliefs and moral codes, those should remain non-negotiable.

Aunties, when your little darling asks you, “How do I know this guy/girl is right for me?” Pose these two questions: “What do you think he/she values? What do you value?” If the answers are similar, they might just have their match.

Stephanie Baffone, LPCMH, NCC  is an Expert on Love & Loss.