A few weeks ago, as we sat around the dining room table at my sister-in-law's after a Sunday dinner of macaroni and meatballs, the topic of marriage came up.  My two nephews who are in their twenties, my nineteen-year-old niece and other extended family rounded out the crowd as we sipped wine and enjoyed some homemade Italian pastries.

"Aunt Steph, seriously, I don’t see the benefits of marriage," said one of my nephews.

Exasperated, I sighed and exhaled into a defeated slump. "How sad," I thought.

After some anemic attempt to defend an institution I’ve come to know and love after twenty happily married years to his uncle--my high school sweetheart--I decided this was one I’d have to let marinate.

Going to Twitter

Harnessing the power of social media, I sought assistance to answer his question via Facebook and Twitter. "My nephew doesn’t see the benefits of marriage. What can I tell him?" I posted.

My question generated quite a firestorm and the responses I got fell everywhere from “I agree!" to "How sad!" As I began to gather evidence for my cause, it occurred to me what is missing is a more realistic perspective of love and marriage.  Not a cynical perspective, like you see on TV shows like "Everyone Loves Raymond" or "Married With Children" but an authentic, candid, charming and contextual framework of the promise of marriage and true love.

My go-to guy happens to be my husband and so I asked him, "How do you answer the charge that marriage has no benefit?"

Real Love and Diamonds

My husband likened marriage to a diamond.  It starts out in a very raw, unpolished state but undoubtedly precious.  It takes skill and time to refine it into something brilliant and multifaceted.

In my practice as a therapist, I see couples frequently who are struggling in their relationships. The fairy tale they were sold as kids hasn’t materialized.  Happily-ever-after looks more like, "What happened here?"

More often than not couples say, "It’s not supposed to be such hard work," or "This is hardly what true love is."

Supersize Me!

My sense is that we have fallen victim to a fantastic notion of love and marriage perpetuated by our environment.  Our society wants everything in shocking and compelling thirty -second sound bites, fast, super-sized, hot and steamy and now, in only 140 characters. The sprint is superior of the marathon.

By offering couples a reframed notion of marriage and love with a more mature concept, the couples I have the privilege of working with no longer feel like they've been “had.”  They are more prepared to sustain flight in turbulent times, which they now understand are more a matter of if not when over the course of a lifetime.

As an auntie, I do my level best to dispel the myth that love and marriage don’t require heavy lifting periodically.  A few years ago, my niece said to me one afternoon on the ride home from school, "Aunt Steph, I can’t wait for my wedding day. It’s going to be the happiest day of my life."

I nearly ran off the road.  “Honey,” I said in my best do-not-come-off-preachy- tone, “your wedding should be the gateway to a lifetime of happy. Not the defining moment.”  TV shows like "Platinum Weddings" are fun to watch but I suggested it is best to devote as least as much energy and time into the marriage as the wedding day itself, because the payoff stands to be immeasurable in dollars and cents.

What is real love?

A realistic view of marriage and love should include the understanding that the charm lies in the marathon not the sprint.  There will be times when you feel more like walking than running and even times when you need to take a break-not literally necessarily but times when you need to regroup.

As far as the benefits to men specifically, my dear nephew, "Men’s Health" made this answer easy in an article titled “The Benefits of Being Married.” The top six included higher pay, living longer and even beating cancer.

Need I say more?

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, it seemed the perfect time to shed a little light on a more realistic concept of love-for our nieces, nephews and some of us aunties too.

Hugs and Kisses ‘til next time.


Stephanie Baffone, LPCMH, NCC is an expert on love & loss.