Happy New Year…

If you are anything like me, when the clock struck midnight this past Friday, you threw open your front door and shouted, “Well hello 2010-Come ‘on in!”  

Colossal worldwide parties decked out in resolutions and powered by the exhilaration of new opportunities, by and large usher in each New Year.   This year was no exception as hugs, smiles and well wishes for a happy, prosperous New Year filled our homes and headlines, when we flipped our calendars to January.  Me, I rolled up my sleeves at midnight and spent most of the weekend taking stock and looking ahead.  

But while many of us embrace a new year with resolve and a sense of opportunity, for those grieving the loss of a loved one, feelings experienced as a new year approaches can be in direct contrast to celebratory confetti and champagne.  

Grace

“I don’t feel happy or joyful about a new year. My heart feels even heavier now than it did a few months ago. The thought of facing a new year, one in which my son will never live, brings me to my knees.”

Grace, a former client of mine during my days at hospice, was a young mother in her early forties, who had buried her teenage son ten months prior.  I will never forget the intense sorrow she expressed when she shared so courageously in a group therapy session a few years ago, the dread she felt as a new year drew near.  

A new year is a significant milestone- a signpost along our life journey that indicates the definitive passage of time and distance. Such reminders often induce a sense of joy and melancholy but for those grieving, can be triggers of significant sadness. People who have lost a loved one often do not feel the same sense of joyful anticipation associated with a new year because it further cements the harsh, painful reality that their loved one is gone forever.

What’s normal?

A sense of angst can accompany a new year, graduations, birthdays, the start of a new sports season or even the birth of children. This direct opposition to the kinds of feelings typically associated with these events can leave those grieving feeling lost, without the understanding it is likely and normal they will feel both joy and sorrow simultaneously.

Quite often the focus of my work with grieving clients is to help them understand what they feel is normal. While some say the world belongs to those who stand out, when it comes to feelings of loss, no one genuinely wants to stand-alone.

When Grace shared her authentic feelings, there was a palpable shift in the room.  Her brave statement was the permission others needed to say, “Me too! Me too!” Grace’s honesty liberated the group members from imposed; unrealistic worldly expectations and they began to feel just maybe they were normal after all.

Looking ahead

While a new year can be riddled with mixed emotions, finding ways to incorporate the memory of a loved one in the months ahead can make the new year lighter to navigate.  As always, I encourage families to sit together and share with one another those times down the road they anticipate might be tough and brainstorm together how they can keep the memory of their loved one alive.

Kids say the darnest things!

This past year, one of my clients, a six-year-old girl who recently lost her father to cancer shared how worried she was about going on vacation without her Dad leading the family charge.  When I asked her what she thought they might do as a family to help ease her concern she said, “Let’s everyone bring something of Daddy’s on the trip and share it with each other when we get to the mountains.” She exhaled and flopped back into the sofa, proud and empowered by the knowledge she could problem solve while keeping the memory of her Dad alive.

In that spirit I say, look ahead. If the landscape of your family has changed know what you feel is most likely normal and believe you have the courage and spirit to find your way through the new year.

Hugs and kisses ‘til next time.